Review: ‘Red One’ is a big, bloated fiasco

There’s no doubt we all need a little Christmas now. But Hollywood fails miserably to deliver as promised with “Red One,” now in theaters where A-listers Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris “Captain America” Evans play the muscle out to save the jacked-up Santa Claus (wasted Oscar winner J.K. Simmons) from terrorist commando kidnappers.
It sounds like “Die Hard” revisited, which would have been great, since many of us rank that definitive mix of action and ho-ho-ho as their favorite entertainment to kick back with for the holidays. So what went wrong with all the elements in place? One word: everything.
For starters, “Red One” reportedly cost over $250 million to produce, and precious little of it shows onscreen as it zips around the world through supply closets in toy stores, from the beaches of Aruba to the Arctic Circle. You can feel the frenzy everywhere, but it’s no fun.
Johnson plays Callum Drift, the security chief at the North Pole. He’s also an immortal who can shrink himself to elf size. Why? And why after 542 years of helping Santa and Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt) does he want to retire? You’ll enjoy “Red One” more if you stop asking logical questions.
The lame plot kicks into gear when Red One turns up missing two days before Christmas, and creatures from toy monsters to killer snowmen are running amok, even though Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) is meant to keep them in line as the head of a mysterious international agency.
Zoe is not up to the job this time. So she calls in Evans as Jack O’Malley, a career criminal known as “The Wolf,” who seems to be suffering a mid-life crisis having to do with his estranged teen son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel). If anyone can track down Santa, it’s Jack. The trouble is that Jack doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, so how’s he going to find someone who isn’t there?
These are the jokes, folks. And for a while at least, Johnson and Evans turn “Red One” into a buddy comedy decent enough to bring a few smiles to undemanding audiences, preferably made up of the under-5 crowd.
Working from a bungled script by Chris Morgan of the “Fast & Furious” franchise that has neither of those qualities, director Jake Kasdan, who guided Johnson through two rebooted “Jumanji” epics, seems to have let this big, bloated fiasco get away from him. Everything from the draggy pacing to the sleepwalking performances feels off.
The less said the better about the late entrance of the villain, the Christmas Witch Gryla, played by Kiernan Shipka, who was Don Draper’s kid on “Mad Men.” Gryla’s ex is the dark lord of the holidays and Santa’s no-account gargoyle of a brother, Krampus (Kristofer Hivju).
The special effects, including the giant reindeer (all girls) and the fantasy elements, are digitalized into a headache-inducing barrage of pixels. No wonder depressed Cal wants out. “I love the kids, but the grownups are killing me,” he moans. We see your point, buddy.
The alleged grownups behind “Red One” have indeed presented us with a Christmas miracle no one asked for: a movie that vacuums the joy out of the season. Artificial intelligence could have produced something more human. When it comes to finding a phrase to sum up this lump of coal trying to pass itself off as festive fun, old Mr. Scrooge said it best: “Bah, humbug!”